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My partner and I have been together for 8 months now. I love him more than anything, but we have a few issues that always keep coming up. I am 45 and need intimacy. I don’t need it every day, but would like it often. My partner seems to not want it at all. He masturbates often. I try to talk to him about it, but he says that masturbating does not take away his desire for making love to me. (He watches porn flicks when doing so.) He says he loves me, but is just not sexual right now. I am losing my patience with this and am very scared of losing him. My other problem is that I think he is an alcoholic, and when we do have sex, he is usually pretty much drunk. Is the problem with me in wanting sex to satisfy my needs? I feel like having sex is a love-making thing between us, and should not have to be begged for. He never makes any move to initiate sex. When I do, I am turned down 99% of the time, and then I am pretty much pissed. It seems that alcohol, TV, and masturbating is enough of a relationship for him, but it’s not for me. I don’t know what to do or how to reach him. Can you help?—Pat First and foremost, I want you to stop blaming yourself for the problems you are facing in your relationship. I know that you love him “more than anything” and that you might think this is the most perfect guy for you, but you could be mistaken. A true loving relationship between partners needs to provide sexual as well as emotional satisfaction. The fact that you are not satisfied means that this relationship is not fulfilling all your needs, and your needs do not sound unreasonable.
Your assessment of the situation sounds uncannily accurate, and I wonder if you are asking me to validate what you already know deep down. Your partner masturbates while watching pornography and this provides him with the sexual satisfaction that he needs. Once a man has an orgasm, his libido is quieted, and while the time it takes for him to become aroused again varies from man to man, rest assured that it is longer than if he hadn’t masturbated.
I think that your partner’s alcoholism is a major problem and probably affects all aspects of your relationship—and not just the sexual part. Alcohol is a depressant and will decrease his sex drive. Alcoholism is often caused by many factors both biological and psychological, and I doubt it is something you and your partner can solve without professional help. I urge you to talk to him about his drinking and get him into therapy. Alcoholics Anonymous has locations all over the country and has vast experience in treating this disease.
Your partner may have other psychological issues to deal with as well. His sexuality could be a major issue—especially given the fact that he can only make love to you after he drinks. Depression by itself is often a cause of lack of interest in sex. Treatment with antidepressants, if necessary, can also help restore his sex drive. Some men, however, when taking SSRI-type antidepressants, have trouble reaching an orgasm. This can also hamper a partner’s sex drive if he feels he can’t reach an orgasm.
Although you do not mention your partner’s age, as men get older their sex drive typically decreases. There are many other medical conditions that can decrease a man’s libido. Your partner needs a thorough medical evaluation to be sure that he is healthy and does not have any physical ailments. Low testosterone, thyroid problems, malignancy, neurological disease, and diabetes are just a few of the conditions that can cause impotence or a lack of sex drive. And last but not least I must point out that as time passes in a relationship, it is only normal that passions weaken. It takes a lot of work to keep sex hot. Turn on a video and see if you have an easier time arousing him. While he may not be ready to talk to you about what he needs to turn him on, hopefully with therapy and time he will be able to.
I hope this answer helps you. I am sorry to say, however, that you may not be able to work it out. While leaving a lover is a very traumatic decision, there are times when it is the best decision. You need and deserve sexual satisfaction. If you ignore this problem with the hope that it will work itself out, it will eat away at you. Anger will become more common than your feelings of love. Today you are only “pissed” at him, and hopefully there is time to address these issues before they become irreparable. Good luck.
First, off I want to immediately thank you for this informative forum that you provide for your readers. My question regards the safe sterilization of unshared toys—that is, sex toys that are not being used by multiple partners but by only one individual. I have read occasional articles on the Internet regarding safe sterilization of sex toys prior to usage among multiple partners. However, what are your recommendations in using sex toys for self-usage? Is there at all any risk of an infection from hepatitis (any types) or even HIV?
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What has become standard practice for me is to simply wash the toys in warm soapy water after usage and dry them thereafter. However, I have started to become concerned about the effectiveness of such practice. Being a college biology student, I learned from an introductory microbiology class of the hardiness of certain microorganisms, such as the HIV virus and its capsid envelope. In some cases I hear the virus can demonstrate some degree of resistance even to household bleach! I realize that I do have the option of replacing the toy every time it’s used, but with each toy costing as much as $20 or $30, that is not a financially feasible option.—Frank
Please relax. You are not in any danger of catching a disease you don’t already have. You cannot infect yourself with hepatitis or HIV or any other disease unless you share the toy with a partner and he has the infection. Hopefully toys are clean when you buy them and free of disease. HIV and hepatitis are not strong enough to survive on a toy should it have become infected during manufacture. Using a toy by yourself is probably one of the safest forms of anal stimulation you can enjoy. When you bring a partner into the equation (even if you just rub the toy against him) it can carry infection from his body to yours.
I do agree with you that washing your toys is important. Remove any fecal residue and lubricant with warm water. A mild soap is fine as long as you rinse the toy well before drying it off. Soap residue can irritate you the next time you use it. Don’t boil toys as most won’t withstand the heat. A water-soluble lubricant without nonoxynol-9 is preferable, less irritating to your colon, and safer if you plan on having anal sex with a partner after using the toy for foreplay.
Parasites, unlike most sexually transmitted bacteria and viruses, can survive for periods of time outside your body. There is a chance that you could catch a parasite from your partner and get it on the dildo while pleasuring yourself. If you are treated and cured of the parasite you could theoretically reinfect yourself the next time you use the dildo. This is, of course, an extremely rare phenomenon and I only mention it for completeness. To completely protect yourself, use the toys only by yourself. And while you don’t have to discard them after each use, it might be wise to discard them if you ever find yourself with a sexually transmitted disease. I hope this answer addresses your concerns. Good luck with college biology.
I have an HIV-positive partner. He recently discovered his HIV status, and I am luckily HIV-negative to date. Since we discovered that he is HIV-positive, we have obviously been very careful about how we have sex. I have read numerous articles on the risks of contracting HIV, but none seem to discuss the specifics of giving and receiving oral and anal sex. They mostly state that the risk of contracting HIV through oral sex is about 8%, but don’t say if the risk would be the same depending on who is the recipient. Since we found that my partner is HIV-positive, we have restricted our activities to the following: I have become the exclusive “top” and only have anal sex when there is no skin irritation on my penis. (I have no sexually transmitted diseases and my partner has only HIV.) We perform this type of anal sex without protection. I receive oral sex from my HIV infected partner, however I never perform oral sex on him (i.e., never allow his penis to enter my mouth). Again, we don’t use protection for this type of oral sex. While the sex is not as diverse, we have taken this approach until we understand more about what is safe. Can you tell us the risks of our current behavior?—Jash
I am sorry to say that I will not provide you with “numbers” to gauge risk. Having sex based on numbers is dangerous because risk depends on many factors, including other sexually transmitted diseases that you or your partner may have. A concurrent STD in one partner greatly increases the risk that HIV will pass during sex. Clearly unprotected anal sex poses the biggest risk for HIV transmission. While the receptive partner is at greatest risk, there is still risk of catching HIV if you are inserting into an HIV positive partner. For this reason I think it is dangerous for you to penetrate your partner without a condom. You may not have a skin rash, or cut, but your urethra is the easiest way for HIV to gain access to your body. Believing that you are safe just because the skin on your penis is fine is folly.
Oral sex has been shown to pass HIV between partners, but this is far less risky than anal sex. As with anal sex, the receptive partner is probably at greatest risk. If your partner wears a condom you will, of course, eliminate your risk if you perform oral sex on him. Many gay men accept the minimal risk of unprotected oral sex, but this is a choice that only you and your lover can make.
I must say that while your sex may be satisfying now, you may soon tire of the restrictions you are placing on each other. Moreover, is your sex satisfying to both you and your partner, or is he too afraid of losing you to tell you that he isn’t really enjoying what you do? Many gay couples with one HIV-positive partner and one HIV-negative partner have emotionally and sexually satisfying relationships. It takes work and it can be difficult to deal with the added stress that this adds to the relationship. I urge you to see if your community has support groups for serodiscordant couples (where one is positive and the other is negative). It helps to talk this out and hear what others have to say. Many men allow their HIV-positive partner to penetrate them for anal sex, but they do it safely—with a condom. While there still is some risk (the condom can break) many couples accept the very small risk in exchange for sexual satisfaction. This may not be right for the two of you, but it is something to think about. Take care.
I’m a 15-year-old sophomore in high school. When I was in third grade, I was molested by a fifth-grade tutor. That experience left a permanent mark internally. Now that I’m older and have a boyfriend of six months, he’s been making sexual advances toward me, and honestly, I’m really scared. I’ve always been shy of my body, and been terrified of anal sex ever since “the incident.” How should I tell him I’m not ready without informing him of my past—or should I just tell him? And would this affect my sex life forever?—Scared
I am sorry that you went through the trauma of being molested—especially at such a young age. Being molested can be an emotionally shattering experience, and it can make it very difficult for the victim to have a satisfying sexual relationship. It sounds like you have difficulty with self-esteem and self-image (you’ve always been shy of your body), and this could all be the result of the molestation. People who have been sexually abused also often have trust issues. I don’t know if you have had therapy to help you deal with these issues, but it can really help you to put away all the bad feelings.
It sounds like you have a wonderful boyfriend, and you both are lucky to have found each other. Trust is the biggest issue for you to conquer in a sexual relationship. I know it may seem impossible to admit what you went through to your boyfriend, but in the end it may be the wisest decision you could make. Clearly, you shouldn’t have anal sex until you are absolutely ready. Know that many gay men never have anal sex. If you discuss your past with your boyfriend, he might be able to help you. If you can’t tell him what happened to you, hopefully he will respect you enough not to pressure you to have anal sex. There are many other ways two men can have a fulfilling sexual relationship without having anal sex. Good luck, and I wish you the best.
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